
The Weekend Pump Had The Lifespan Of A Goldfish In Battery Acid 🐡
OVERVIEW
The Weekend Pump Had The Lifespan Of A Goldfish In Battery Acid 🐡

Source: Giphy
Before we dive in, here’s today’s crypto market heatmap:
And here’s a look at crypto’s total market and altcoin market cap charts:
TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Crypto’s Big Sunday: Best Performances & Milestones 🔥
In case you missed it, this post from President Trump made its way through, well, every social and news outlet on the planet:
Not surprisingly, $SOL, $ADA, and $XRP made some huge gains. How big? :up
Cardano
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Best-performing day ever
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Strongest weekly performance since the week of November 4, 2024
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Highest daily volume since June 10, 2023
XRP
Best single-day performance since April 25, 2021
Solana
Best single-day performance since July 14, 2020
But let’s see if they can hold onto those gains. ADA, SOL, and XRP are currently showing some big retracements. XRP has wiped out over -60% of yesterday’s gains, Cardano -50%, and Solana a painful -78%.
People Who Didn’t Get Picked To Play On Billy’s Team Are Upset 🥹
Reactions to XRP, SOL, and ADA landing spots in a proposed Crypto Strategic Reserve have been predictably mixed. Bitcoin maxis are busy crying into their cold wallets, sobbing about being the “only reserve-worthy asset.” But like an afterthought, Trump did post that BTC and ETH are part of the proposed Crypto Strategic Reserve.
And altcoins left off the initial list are throwing tantrums because they didn’t make the cut. Litecoin’s account is particularly salty about the whole ordeal:
Relax, folks; there’s bound to be another batch of tickers joining the party sooner than later. 🧙
NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Crypto News 📰
😱 Amouranth Nearly Loses Crypto in Wild Home Invasion, Because Texas
Streamer Kaitlyn “Amouranth” Siragusa just survived every crypto holder’s worst nightmare: three armed geniuses broke into her Texas home, pistol-whipped her, and demanded her crypto passwords at gunpoint. Unfortunately for these morons, she couldn’t log in—so her husband greeted them Texas-style with a bullet, sending them running (and bleeding) into the night. Houston PD is now tracking the suspects, following a literal trail of blood. Decrypt.
🤡 Richard Heart Dodges SEC, Still Faces Europol Wrath
Richard Heart just sidestepped the SEC thanks to jurisdiction loopholes, but Europol isn’t letting him off the hook that easy. The guy behind HEX, PulseChain, and PulseX remains listed as one of Europe’s Most Wanted for alleged tax fraud and assault. Dismissing the SEC case might’ve helped his image stateside, but it’s unlikely to charm Finnish prosecutors who are determined to make his life complicated. Protos.
🕵️ Coinbase Demands SEC Receipt for Gensler’s Anti-Crypto Crusade
Coinbase just dropped a Freedom of Information Act request demanding the SEC spill exactly how much taxpayer cash Gary Gensler burned during his ‘war on crypto.’ Coinbase isn’t playing nice here—they want full receipts detailing investigations, lawsuits, and even third-party contracts the SEC used to clamp down on crypto. CoinJournal.
🧐 Tether Swears This Time They’ll Actually Audit—Maybe
Tether’s making promises (again), claiming a “full audit” is finally coming under their new CFO Simon McWilliams. Critics—including U.S. House candidate Jane Adams—are unimpressed, reminding everyone this isn’t Tether’s first rodeo in promising transparency without actually delivering. The real audit might finally silence the skeptics—or reveal a circus behind the curtain. CryptoSlate.
🚫 SEC Drops Lawsuit Against Kraken, Ends Expensive Drama
Kraken announced the SEC’s agreed to ditch their 2023 lawsuit—no penalties, no guilt, no business changes. It’s another blow to the SEC’s “regulation-by-enforcement” strategy, which seems increasingly like yesterday’s failed experiment. Kraken claims victory against what they called a politically motivated waste of time. Decrypt.
💸 RedStone Brings Bitcoin Utility to Sui—Because Hodling Isn’t Cool Anymore
RedStone oracles just landed on Sui, giving Bitcoin holders actual financial utility beyond flexing their diamond hands. Now BTC holders can stake, borrow, lend, and yield-farm without having to pretend that holding Bitcoin is still fun after a decade. Thanks to RedStone’s real-time price feeds, the BTCfi ecosystem on Sui will actually function, reducing slippage and making liquidations fairer—or at least less depressing. Sui.
NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Metaverse, NFT, & Gaming News 🎮️
🎮 Haunted Space Goes Mainstream with Avalanche Launch—Finally, Blockchain Gaming That Doesn’t Suck
Haunted Space is making history by launching its AAA blockchain game on Xbox and PlayStation, joining the list of projects daring enough to bridge console gamers with Web3 degenerates. Galaxy Lab threw in Polaris AI, a customizable gaming assistant, just in case you can’t play without someone holding your hand—or making the game accessible for literally everyone, disabilities be damned. Avalanche.
📺 Theta Network Adds Esports Giants to EdgeCloud, Gamers Pretend to Be Impressed
Despite crypto markets doing their usual volatile dance, Theta Network keeps onboarding esports heavyweights like Evil Geniuses and FlyQuest to run AI chatbots on EdgeCloud. Now fans can chat directly with mascots, enhancing their disappointment when their favorite teams inevitably choke. Academic institutions are also hopping aboard, proving Theta’s ability to capture niche communities—whether gamers who barely leave their rooms or academics who probably should more often. Theta Network.
NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
DeFi, DEX, and Lending Protocol News 🏦
🕹️ 1inch Portfolio Wants to Manage Your DeFi Mess (Good Luck with That)
1inch Portfolio says it’ll simplify your DeFi nightmare by letting you track 10 wallets, multiple blockchains, and all your questionable investment decisions on one cluttered dashboard. Wallet Bundles and automatic PnL tracking let you see how broke you’re getting in real-time, complete with depressing insights about your failed trades and worthless tokens. Their “Explore” feature even predicts future losses, so you’ll never be surprised again by how terribly your strategies turn out. 1inch.
🔥 eCash’s February Update: Endless Tweaks, Plugins, and Tweets No One Asked For
eCash spent another month releasing minor software tweaks, wallet updates, and a parade of plugins. Highlights included Cashtab improvements, PayButton’s 47th update, and the introduction of ChronikCache—yet another npm package for devs who apparently enjoy being perpetually confused. Meanwhile, the community is busy reading tweets and refreshing charts, patiently waiting for something—anything—to pump their bags. eCash.
💎 Astar’s ACS Rewards Users for Throwing Money at Pools
Astar introduced the ACS campaign, incentivizing users to lock liquidity into a bunch of DeFi projects you probably haven’t touched—or heard of—in months. Users are rewarded daily based solely on how much TVL they pump, pretending it’s a “strategic initiative” rather than thinly-veiled bribery for inflating liquidity metrics. Astar Network.
LINKS
Links That Don’t Suck 🔗
🇨🇳 China rumored to actively work on strategic Bitcoin reserve
⚡️ Why Intel 18A is a make-or-break moment for the chipmaker
🇮🇳 India police shut down $2.4 million crypto scam that duped 2,000 victims
🏠️ White House crypto czar David Sacks says he’s sold off all his crypto holdings
🔼 Microstrategy stock jumps 10% as Bitcoin surges on Trump’s crypto reserve plan
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