
If Dante Wrote About Crypto, Pump.fun Would Be the 10th Circle of Hell
OVERVIEW
If Dante Wrote About Crypto, Pump.fun Would Be the 10th Circle of Hell 🔥

Before we dive in, here’s today’s crypto market heatmap:
And here’s a look at crypto’s total and altcoin market cap YTD:
SOLANA
Pump.fun Is A Dumpser Fire On A Train Wreck In A Nuclear Apocalpse On Its Way To Hell 🔥
Pump.fun has officially out degened itself over this weekend and into today. In the worst ways possible. 🤮
Since last Friday, its livestream feature became a cesspool of grotesque behavior, shocking even for a platform known for degeneracy. Let’s just say if the devil hosted a meme contest in hell, Satan himself might have said some of this went too far.
Here are some of the greatest hits of depravity:
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A 12-year-old threatened to harm themselves and their family if their token didn’t hit $60,000. With a shotgun.
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A couple assaulted their toddler on stream to mark token milestones.
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Some genius fired a gun out of their window to celebrate price pumps.
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Webcam models did… things you can’t unsee to “boost hype.”
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And in the pièce de résistance of inhumanity, a user threatened to shoot their dog if their token didn’t hit a $1M market cap.
By Monday, even Pump.fun’s anonymous founder had enough. The livestream feature was axed “indefinitely,” with promises of better moderation.
What Went So Wrong?
Where does one even begin? Livestreams featuring threats, violence, and graphic stunts weren’t just ignored—they trended. Over the weekend, Pump.fun raked in a little over $14 million in revenue, proving once again that degeneracy sells, even at the cost of human decency. 😢
The platform is often likened to 4chan for its “free-for-all” ethos, with no real safety measures, ethical boundaries, or regard for – I don’t know – morality.
Before this, racially insensitive or explicit tokens were business as usual. But once live streams showcased explicit abuse, the backlash erupted, forcing Pump.fun to pause and reassess.
Solana’s Problem or Crypto’s Reputational Nightmare?
Solana supporters argue this is just “early-stage experimentation,” akin to ICO or NFT mania. Critics, however, compare it to FTX—another reputational stain crypto didn’t need.
Here’s the kicker: Pump.fun’s transactions make up over half of Solana’s activity. Shutting it down would tank network activity, but letting it spiral unchecked risks long-term reputational damage.
Either way, Solana’s quiet stance is deafening. 🦻
The Most Crypto Thing Ever
And, because this is the most crypto thing ever, some enterprising degenerate took to Polymarket to ask what the odds were we’d see this on Pump.fun before long:
And the odds, according to Polymarket? 97%.
With disgusting acts live-streamed between animals and humans, apparent child abuse, and threats of harm to self or others, things might be looking bad for the Rug.pull.
And that’s good for the rest of us.🤦
New In Three Sentences
Crypto News 📰
💸 SEC’s Big Year Bankrolled by Terraform Labs
The SEC collected a record $8.2 billion in fines for 2024, mostly thanks to Terraform Labs coughing up $4.47 billion after their blockchain imploded. Without that windfall, the SEC’s haul would’ve been a facepalm-worthy $3.72 billion—their worst since 2013. Gensler’s reign ends in January, and the crypto crowd is already popping champagne for Trump’s promised regulatory chill. Cointelegraph.
🪙 Michael Saylor Goes Big Again: MicroStrategy Buys 55,500 BTC
MicroStrategy spent $5.4 billion to scoop up 55,500 BTC at an average price of $97,862, bringing its total stash to 386,700 BTC worth $38 billion. The company’s strategy has propelled it into the top 100 U.S. companies by market cap, with Nasdaq 100 inclusion in sight. Genius or insanity, Saylor’s Bitcoin play continues to dominate headlines—and balance sheets. CoinDesk.
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Final Call: Invest in RYSE Before the Round Ends!
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TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Some Alts Have Yet To Pamp 😱
The altcoin market just pulled a power move that might be one of the most bullish setups in its history. 🤯
Let’s talk Ichimoku Kinko Hyo. Don’t worry if you’re not fluent in technical mumbo jumbo. All you need to know is this: one of the most reliable bullish signals in the system just lit up across the altcoin space like fireworks on New Year’s.
A good chunk of the altcoin market looks like any of the following weekly charts:
Litecoin
Hedera
Fantom
Polkadot
Now, does this mean we’re heading straight for the moon? Not so fast. While many altcoins have confirmed a breakout—closing above the Ichimoku Cloud with price and the Chikou Span—we might see things cool off and consolidate for a bit. Think of it as a pit stop before the next leg higher.
But here’s where it gets spicy. Some heavy hitters haven’t even made it above the Cloud yet. They’re dragging their feet while others are flying. And you better believe traders and analysts are scoping out these laggards for their next big moves.
Some of the altcoin charts traders and analysts are scoping out for big moves:
Aptos
Avalanche
Internet Computer Protocol
The question is: will they join the breakout party, or keep everyone waiting?
Let’s see what happens.🎉
News In Three Sentences
DeFi, DEX, and Lending Protocol News 🏦
📊 Tellor Wants Every Token to Be Collateral, No Exceptions
Tellor’s latest plan? Make it so even your cousin’s garbage meme coin can back a DeFi loan—safely. They’re working through oracle models, AMM pools, and new protocol tweaks to price long-tail assets without imploding the system. It’s ambitious, risky, and totally on-brand for crypto. Tellor blog.
⛏️ Zcash Halvening: Less ZEC, New Rules, Same Drama
Zcash halved its block rewards to 1.5625 ZEC and rolled out a new Dev Fund model that makes everyone fight over a Lockbox full of tokens. ECC and ZF are out of the funding pool, leaving ZCG to hold down the fort while the community figures out how to split the pot. It’s governance-heavy, sure, but at least they’re trying something new. Zcash blog.
🐵 Sushi Now on ApeChain: Because 40 Chains Weren’t Enough
Sushi’s integration with ApeChain means you can swap tokens on a blockchain nobody asked for but might actually use. With liquidity from 40 chains funneled into its Route Processor (RP5), Sushi’s making trades faster and cheaper—at least on paper. Check it out if you like ApeChain or are just tired of paying insane slippage fees. Sushi blog.
🔒 COTI and Poolz Go Big With MomentumX Accelerator
COTI and Poolz teamed up to launch MomentumX, throwing money and resources at privacy-focused dApps using COTI’s tech. With $1 million annually on the table and Poolz’s IDO clout, they’re betting on Garbled Circuits to corner the blockchain privacy market. If this works, COTI might actually make privacy in Web3 a thing. COTI blog.
LINKS
Links That Don’t Suck 🔗
🍎 Why Tim Cooks holds Bitcoin but Apple is skeptical
👍️ VanEck Bitcoin ETF will remain free of sponsor fees until 2026
📈 Ether gains momentum as capital shifts from Bitcoin and derivatives activity increases
🤷 JPMorgan Questions Musk’s D.O.G.E. Federal Reform Efforts
😱 Justin Sun invests $30 million in President-elect Donald Trump’s crypto project
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