Crypto Singles: February Edition 💘

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Your Official Guide to Who’s Worth Taking Home This February 💘 

February starts next week. You’re looking for something meaningful – or at least something that won’t ghost you by the 15th and leave you crying into your Ledger/Trezor/Tangem/etc. 👛

I analyzed years of relationship history (price data) on six eligible crypto singles to help you make an informed decision. Some are marriage material. Some are a fun weekend. Some you should just GTFO if it walks in.

Also, this article is not financial advice. It is dating advice for your portfolio, which is arguably worse. 🧠

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Bitcoin 🪙 

Height: 6’2″ (dominant, established presence)

Occupation: Digital Gold, Store of Value, Your Dad’s Favorite Crypto

Location: Everywhere

BIO:

Past February Performance

• Success Rate: 73.3% (11 good Februaries, 4 bad ones)

• Average Return: +14.7%

• Median Return: +12.2% (no outlier games here)

• Best Date Ever: +65.4% (February 2011 – young love)

• Worst Date Ever: -38.9% (February 2014 – we don’t talk about Mt. Gox)

🟢 GREEN FLAGS:

• Highest February win rate of any month. Actually shows up.

• After a rough January? 100% recovery rate in February. Every single time. (5 for 5)

• What you see is what you get – average and median are close. No catfishing.

• Has literally never had back-to-back red January + February. Ever. In 15 years.

• Your parents would approve.

🔴 RED FLAGS:

• Not going to mass text you rocket emojis at 3am.

• Might feel “boring” if you’re used to bad boys/girls.

• Will absolutely judge you for your altcoin choices.

LOOKING FOR:

REVIEWS FROM PAST FEBRUARIES:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Showed up. Did the work. +36% in 2021. No complaints.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “January 2022 was brutal (-18%). He made it up in February (+12%). Reliable king.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Not flashy, but I actually made money. Novel concept.”

⭐⭐⭐ “2025 was rough (-10.7%) but honestly everyone was down bad. Still better than my ex (XRP).”

COMPATIBILITY NOTES:

• Best paired with: Red Januaries (he LOVES a comeback story)

• Worst paired with: Impatient traders expecting overnight miracles

• Verdict: SWIPE RIGHT. The one your friends tell you to date instead of the ones you actually date.

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Ethereum 💜

Height: 5’11” (solid, respectable, not trying too hard)

Occupation: Smart Contract Platform, DeFi Daddy, “The Other Blue Chip”

Location: Decentralized (but mainly your portfolio)

BIO:

Past February Performance

• Success Rate: 77.8% (7 good Februaries, 2 bad ones)

• Average Return: +11.6%

• Median Return: +8.8% (consistent, not inflated by outliers)

• Best Date Ever: +48.1% (February 2017 – we were both young)

• Worst Date Ever: -32.2% (February 2025 – look, it was a tough month for everyone)

🟢 GREEN FLAGS:

• Highest win rate of the bunch (77.8%). This man commits.

• After a green January? 83% chance February stays green. Knows how to keep momentum.

• Every single ETH bull market year had a green February. Reads the room.

• Professional but fun. The sweet spot.

• Closes green Februaries at 57% of range. Finishes strong.

🔴 RED FLAGS:

• 2025 was BAD (-32.2%). Worst February on record. He’s not perfect.

• In bear years, it’s a coin flip (50% win rate)

• Can be a little overshadowed by Bitcoin’s “I was here first” energy

LOOKING FOR:

REVIEWS FROM PAST FEBRUARIES:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Six green Februaries in a row (2019-2024). Finally, consistency.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “January 2024 was whatever, but February gave me +46%. Date this man. Has a huge candle.”

⭐⭐ “2025 broke me. -32%. But I guess everyone was hurting.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Not as exciting as SOL but I actually sleep at night. Worth it.”

COMPATIBILITY NOTES:

• Best paired with: Green Januaries (continuation energy)

• Worst paired with: Bear market pessimists (he struggles in down years)

• Verdict: SWIPE RIGHT. Husband material. Boring in the best way.

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Solana ⚡

Height: Listed as 6’4″ but shows up at 5’9″ sometimes

Occupation: “High Performance Blockchain” / Lifestyle Influencer / Chaos Agent

Location: Moving fast (sometimes too fast)

BIO:

Past February Performance

• Success Rate: 60% (3 good Februaries, 2 bad ones)

• Average Return: +38.2% (⚠️ DO NOT TRUST THIS NUMBER)

• Median Return: +0.08% (THIS is the real me)

• Best Date Ever: +206% (February 2021 – legendary)

• Worst Date Ever: -36.1% (February 2025 – we don’t talk about it)

🟢 GREEN FLAGS:

• When he wins, he wins BIG. Highest ceiling of anyone here.

• Ranks #3 by average return… technically

• After a red January, he’s bounced back both times (2/2)

• Never boring. You will feel emotions.

🔴 RED FLAGS:

• MOST VOLATILE MONTH. Average range is 108% of opening price. He will take you on a RIDE.

• That +38% average? One outlier. Strip out 2021 and the average is barely positive.

• After a GREEN January? Only 33% win rate. Success scares him.

• Only 5 years of data. You don’t really know this person yet.

• Shows up different every time. The median (+0.08%) is basically flat. Coin flip energy.

LOOKING FOR:

REVIEWS FROM PAST FEBRUARIES:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “+206% in 2021. I’m still dining out on this. Best month of my life.”

⭐⭐⭐ “2022 was +0.1%. Technically green? I guess?”

⭐ “2025. -36%. I should have known better after that huge January. Said he was tired and it’s never happened before.”

⭐⭐ “He told me he was high-performance. He performed highly… in one direction. Down.”

COMPATIBILITY NOTES:

• Best paired with: Red Januaries (his only reliable pattern)

• Worst paired with: Green Januaries (33% win rate – he fumbles the bag)

• Verdict: SWIPE WITH CAUTION. The hot but unstable one. You know the type.

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Tron 🔵

Height: 5’8″ (doesn’t lie about it)

Occupation: Stablecoin Infrastructure / The One Nobody Talks About / Consistent Middle Manager / Probably A Drug Dealer

Location: Asia-Pacific, mostly

BIO:

Past February Performance

• Success Rate: 50% (4 good Februaries, 4 bad ones)

• Average Return: +4.9%

• Median Return: -0.55% (basically flat)

• Best Date Ever: +44.5% (February 2021 – everyone was hot in 2021)

• Worst Date Ever: -20.4% (February 2018 – we were all figuring ourselves out)

🟢 GREEN FLAGS:

• Had 4 consecutive green Februaries (2021-2024). Streaky in a good way.

• Doesn’t pretend to be something he’s not

• Low drama. You know exactly what you’re getting.

• In February 2025, he outperformed BOTH Bitcoin and Ethereum. Held up better than the “blue chips.”

🔴 RED FLAGS:

• 50% is literally a coin flip. He knows this. You know this.

• January doesn’t predict anything.

• Drawdown gap is EXTREME: green months dip -2%, red months crater -24%. When he’s bad, he’s bad.

• Not exactly exciting first-date conversation.

LOOKING FOR:

REVIEWS FROM PAST FEBRUARIES:

⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Four green Februaries in a row. Reliable. Not exciting, but reliable.”

⭐⭐⭐ “He’s fine. This is fine. Everything is fine. Has random meetings with people who unknown numbers.”

⭐⭐⭐ “2025 was -8%, but BTC was -11% and ETH was -32%. Moral victory?”

⭐⭐ “Went back to check my portfolio after February. Literally forgot he was there.”

COMPATIBILITY NOTES:

• Best paired with: Low expectations

• Worst paired with: Anyone looking for alpha

• Verdict: SWIPE… MAYBE? The “he’s nice” of crypto until you get to know him

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
XRP ⚠️

Height: Claims 6’0″, energy says 5’6″

Occupation: Cross-Border Payments / Professional Litigant / Your Friend’s Bad Recommendation

Location: The courthouse, mostly

BIO:

Past February Performance

• Success Rate: 36.4% (4 good Februaries, 7 bad ones)

• Average Return: -3.4% (yes, negative)

• Median Return: -7.3% (also negative)

• Best Date Ever: +31.6% (February 2016 — a decade ago)

• Worst Date Ever: -29.3% (February 2025 — three months ago)

🟢 GREEN FLAGS:

• …

• He’s been around a long time?

• Um…

• When January is red, he’s 60% to bounce? That’s something?

🔴 RED FLAGS:

• THE GREEN JANUARY CURSE. When January is good, XRP’s February is only 20% to be green. TWENTY PERCENT.

• 70% reversal rate. Will actively sabotage momentum.

• Most volatile month of tickers analyzed in this newsletter (176% average range). Maximum chaos.

• Ranks #11 out of 12 months by average return. February is literally one of his worst months.

• Has NEVER had consecutive green Februaries. Not once in 11 years.

• BTC beats him 73% of the time in February. ETH beats him 67%.

• 2025: January was +46%. February was -29%.

LOOKING FOR:

REVIEWS FROM PAST FEBRUARIES:

⭐ “January 2021 was +126%. February? -16%. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.”

⭐ “He said he’d changed since the SEC thing. He had not changed.”

⭐⭐ “January 2025 was +46%. February was -29%. I don’t know what I expected.”

⭐ “Went through my history. 7 red Februaries. SEVEN. I’m the problem for staying.”

⭐⭐ “At least he’s honest about being bad? Self-aware king?”

COMPATIBILITY NOTES:

• Best paired with: Masochists, people who didn’t read this profile

• Worst paired with: Green Januaries (he will fumble. He always fumbles.)

• Verdict: SWIPE LEFT. This is the ex you keep going back to even though everyone told you not to. We’re telling you not to.

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Cardano 💔

Height: Says 6’5″ on the profile, but that’s based on ONE measurement in 2021

Occupation: Academic Blockchain / “Peer-Reviewed” / Living Off That One Good Month

Location: Still working on the roadmap

BIO:

Past February Performance

• Success Rate: 37.5% (3 good Februaries, 5 bad ones)

• Average Return: +27.4% (⚠️ COMPLETE LIE – ONE OUTLIER)

• Median Return: -9.1% (THE TRUTH)

• Best Date Ever: +279% (February 2021 – he will not shut up about this)

• Worst Date Ever: -39.5% (February 2018 – we don’t talk about this)

WITHOUT THE 2021 OUTLIER:

• Real Average: -8.5%

• Real Win Rate: 28.6%

🟢 GREEN FLAGS:

• That one time in 2021 was genuinely incredible. Probably was on Molly.

• Beats Solana head-to-head 60% of the time? I guess?

• He’s… very passionate about academic rigor?

🔴 RED FLAGS:

• EVERY STAT IS A LIE. The +27% average is 100% driven by 2021. Without it, he’s -8.5% with a 29% win rate.

• After a green January? 25% win rate. Sound familiar? (Same curse as XRP)

• Most volatile February of any month for ADA. Maximum chaos.

• Red Februaries close at 18% of their range. Basically the bottom. No recovery.

• ETH beats him 87.5% of the time. EIGHTY-SEVEN PERCENT.

• BTC beats him 75% of the time.

• Has never had back-to-back green Februaries.

• Will 100% bring up 2021 within five minutes.

LOOKING FOR:

REVIEWS FROM PAST FEBRUARIES:

⭐ “He told me his average February return was +27%. This is technically true and completely misleading. Said something about gooning?”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “2021 was legitimately life-changing. +279%. But that’s ALL he talks about now.”

⭐ “It’s 2025. We did -33%. He said this was ‘within expected parameters.’ I’m done.”

⭐⭐ “He showed me a chart. The chart was peer-reviewed. I still lost money.”

⭐ “Asked me if I’d read the Cardano whitepaper on our first date. There was no second date.”

COMPATIBILITY NOTES:

• Best paired with: Time machines to 2021

• Worst paired with: Anyone who does basic due diligence on the numbers

• Verdict: SWIPE LEFT. He’s still dining out on 2021. Still wears a mask. Carries 3 foot sized arrows and puts them in aisles and yells at people when they go the wrong direction when we went grocery shopping. It’s 2026. Move on.

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Author Disclosure: The author of this newsletter holds positions in AVAX, ADA, PUDGY, WLC, IMX, XTZ, NEAR, HBAR, ALGO, INJ, LTC, LINK, ZEC, XLM, and FET. 📋