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OVERVIEW

So, I Got Targeted By A Crypto Scam Last Night 😱

Before we dive in, here’s today’s crypto market heatmap:

Source: Santiment

And here’s a look at crypto’s total market and altcoin market cap charts:

Source: TradingView

NEWS
So, I Got Targeted By A Crypto Scam Last Night 😱 

Picture this: 105 °F, sun beating down, me sweating like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs while scrubbing kid-gunk out of car seats with the hose because, according to my wife, my Tundra smelled like death inside. 🌡️ 

I thought it might be a dead field mouse. I wish, dear reader, it was that simple.

Some of you might not be old enough to remember Mrs. Brisby and the Rats of NIMH, but Mrs. Brisby is a widowed field mouse with a gravely ill kid and she begs a colony of super-intelligent ex-lab rats to help move her home before the farmer’s plow turns it into confetti.

Except, in my story, Mrs. Brisby and her entire rodent family needed to get out of the floor air duct of a 2012 Toyota Tundra.

And couldn’t. It was like 1300’s Europe in there. Smelled like it too. 💀 

Oh, and one of the kid’s crayons melted itself into abstract driveway art.

RIP ‘Screamin’ Vivid Emerald’ crayon, 135-degree Fahrenheit pavement was just too much. 🫡 

Anway. Phone rings. Unknown number. Meant to shoo it off with Google’s call screener, fat-fingered “answer” instead.

Robo-voice claims someone requested a Coinbase password reset then offers to connect me to “support” if I didn’t request it. I hit 1. Why not? Curiosity, furry-pocalyse in my truck, plus heatstroke equals bad decisions. 😶 

Ten minutes later a new call: “Hi, this is Mike from Coinbase.” And here’s the twist – Mike actually sounded like a real Mike. No obvious overseas call-center lie where they say ‘Hi this is Robert’ and you know damn well you’re talking to Mohammed or Habib.

Mike was cool, polite, even tossed in small talk about the weather in the upper Midwest – a classic Midwestern small talk and accent example on authentic display.

But my bullshit flag was already deployed from the first call because 🎏:

• Coinbase never phones customers -they spam inboxes shouting that exact policy IN BIG ALL CAPS WORDS ALL THE TIME.

• Gmail slapped a giant “might be a scam” banner on Mike’s follow-up email.

• The email’s info looked about 1% legit, 99% fake.

Still, I let him talk while I googled Coinbase’s support policy in another tab. I asked him to point me to the page that says special-case phone calls are a thing. 👉️ 

Mike claimed it’s “rare” so it “might not be listed.” And that they will reach out to people who are ‘involved in the industry’ because they care. Flattery at it’s finest. But I persisted. And then Mike hung up.

Would this have fooled me if I hadn’t already been mad at melted crayons and the mouse version of The Red Wedding? Maybe. Because Mike was very, very genuine and reassuring and honest sounding. 🤷 

Quick Scam-Spotting Cheat Sheet ✅ 

• Coinbase (and most exchanges) will never call you.

• Unsolicited password-reset codes are bait.

• Emails flagged by your provider are usually guilty until proven innocent.

• Real crypto support reps don’t exist anyway, anywhere, for any company even when you want to talk to them.

Stay safe out there. And cold wallets are the best. 🥶

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TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
Altcoin Agony Report: HODLers Anonymous Now Meeting Hourly 🥹 

Last week didn’t just hurt – it set new personal bests in humiliation. 🤡
Unless I spell it out otherwise, every close I mention is the weekly close.

Fresh Hell – The All-Time-Low Club 🚩

These are just some of the names that drilled so far through the floor they’re waving at the mole people.

• Starknet (STRK) – clocked an all-time low that makes sub-basement apartments look penthouse.

• SKALE (SKL) – dug a crater big enough to bury every 2021 moon-boy tweet.

• Secret Network (SCRT) – price is now a state secret; good luck finding it above ground.

• Optimism (OP) – chart shows less optimism than a Monday 4 a.m. alarm.

• Ontology (ONT) – flatlined so hard it’s redefining “value” in real time.

• Immutable (IMX) – rewrote “immutable” to mean “permanently falling.”

• Polkadot (DOT) – poked straight through the floor like soggy cardboard.

• DASH (DASH) – sprinted face-first into a brand-new bottom.

• Arbitrum (ARB) – dropped faster than a meme stonk with no memes. 🪦

Vintage Pain – Multi-Year Bottom Feeders 🏚️

Didn’t break records, just memories.

• Tezos (XTZ) – retro-priced back to the fidget-spinner era of March 2019.

• Basic Attention Token (BAT) – ignored so completely even pop-up ads wouldn’t click it.

• Cosmos (ATOM) – universe is contracting; five-year low says so.

• VeChain (VET) – chart now resembles a black-diamond ski slope, minus the ski lift. 📉

Chronic Bleeders – Still Falling, Not Dead Yet 😬

Long losing streaks, but technically breathing.

• Cardano (ADA) – six red weeks running.

• Celestia (TIA) – lower than my phone battery at 2 a.m.; sixth week straight.

• Internet Computer (ICP) – blockchain throwing a full Blue Screen of Death – seven weeks down.

• NEAR Protocol (NEAR) – bounce feels light-years away despite the name. Lowest weekly close in 2+ years.

• UMA (UMA) – 13 daily reds in a row: that’s a baker’s dozen of fail. 🤕

TL;DR Of Fail 🔢 

• 9 coins just set shiny fresh all-time lows.

• 4 rewound the clock to multi-year misery.

• The “lucky” stragglers are merely setting multi-month lows while hemorrhaging weekly.

• LUNA and FTX felt better because at least the dishonestly was honestly expected. 🍦

Again, this list isn’t a complete list – but it represents roughly 97% of the altcoins out there (excluding stablecoins). 🧠 

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Crypto News 🗞️ 

📘 Cardano Drops ‘Blueprint’ So Devs Stop Digging Through GitHub Archaeology

IOG unveiled the Cardano Blueprint, a plain-English, diagram-stuffed knowledge base to replace scattered PDFs and Haskell riddles. The goal is multiple node implementations and fewer headaches for anyone spelling Ouroboros wrong. Consider it CliffsNotes for a blockchain that previously demanded a PhD in patience. Cardano.

📱 Cosmos Snags Telegram’s Billion-User Shortcut

TAC is spinning up an EVM L1 on the Cosmos SDK, then piping dApps straight into Telegram’s mini-app drawer. Solidity devs deploy once and suddenly Grandma can farm yield without leaving chat. Distribution problem solved? Cosmos.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
AI, Stablecoins, & Privacy News 🕵️

🚀 Metis Hackers Mix AI and Chains for Llama-Powered Markets

If Clippy had gone to DeFi boot camp, this is the timeline we’d be living in. Hyperion testnet’s $200K Hyperhack spawned AI agent hubs, on-chain prediction markets, and a security scanner that nags buggy contracts in real time. Projects like VMarket even added an AI llama named Vic to whisper liquidity tips. Metis.

🌍 Stablecoin Laws Multiply, Alchemy Pay Builds Its Own Chain Anyway

From the U.S. GENIUS Act to Hong Kong’s licensing spree, governments keep stapling rules onto fiat-backed tokens. Alchemy Pay’s answer is launching Alchemy Chain plus a house stablecoin to shuttle value between local and global pegs under one roof. Alchemy Pay.

🏗️ Sei Builds Giga Rails for AI Agents

Sei says its sub-400 ms finality will let machine traders sling pennies faster than humans blink. The pitch: autonomous bots with their own wallets, micropayments, and NVIDIA-sized market forecasts riding a 5-gigagas highway. If your spreadsheet still uses manual refresh, prepare to lose to a toaster with a trading account. Sei.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Real World Asset Tokenization (RWA) News 🪙

🗽 Plume Plants Flag in Empire State for RWAfi

Real-world-asset startup Plume moved into the Empire State Building, betting Wall Street elevators beat overseas Zoom calls. The team plans to host policy chats and builder meetups while pitching tokenized treasuries to every suit within taxi range. Nothing says “future of finance” like minting assets under King Kong’s old perch. Plume Network.

🏦 Centrifuge Parks $445 M Treasuries on Converge

Here’s a nother tug on the tie of TradFi. Tokenization pioneer Centrifuge joins Securitize’s Converge to push institutional-grade RWAs and a JTRSY fund. Developers get a launchpad, DeFi gets real dollars dressed as ERC-20s. Centrifuge.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
DeFi, DEX, & Lending Protocol News 🏦

⚡ 1inch Pumps Sonic Liquidity for Gasless Speed

The DEX aggregator just wired Sonic into its wallet and Pathfinder router, so swaps hit best-rate while MEV vultures starve. Cross-chain trades happen minus bridges, plus intent-based protection. Even first-timers can now swap like pros and brag about their “edge.” Sonic Labs.

💸 Saga Redirects Inflation to DeFi Experiments, Validators Get Paychecks

Saga will shove 100% of its 3% inflation into a community pool, then drip rewards through vaults instead of on-chain staking payouts. Validators receive fixed stipends from that pool, slashing rules relax, and vesting wallets stop farming freebies. Saga.

LINKS
Links That Don’t Suck 🔗

🇮🇳 India wants 30% of your crypto gains, but that’s not the worst part

😡 How a New York scammer stole $4 million from Coinbase users

🚿 ‘No way’: Ripple co-founder breaks nearly 14 years of silence

🛢️ Trump urges to keep oil prices down, warns “Playing into the hands” of the enemy

🤖 New tiny robots promise to fix underground water pipe leakage without excavation

🎮️ PSA: Death Stranding 2’s full opening hour has leaked online

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Author Disclosure: The author of this newsletter holds positions in ADA, IMX, COPI, MIN, AGIX, ALGO, ZEC, XLM, and NEAR. 📋